Since my last post:-

Weekend - England out of the World Cup - enough said. Very hot, too hot sometimes, but still enjoying the good weather.

Monday - panic sets in - I saw James's hand tremble - I think, not sure, but still was worried.  Made the mistake of being worried in front of the other two, not good for them really.  Later Becky thought she saw his had tremble again, I didn't see it, so not sure if Beks was maybe looking for it because she was worrying about it.

Obviously the concern is because of his Epilepsy - at the time of the said tremble, I was talking to my neighbour, who James likes to talk to, and does not like it when my talking stops him from talking to her.  He was also at the same time as getting annoyed with me, trying to get over her gate to smooth her dog, shaking the gate with great force, this is when I think I saw the tremble.

Anyway, kept my eye on him,well we all did.  Mike was working in the evening, was feeling low, something happened with one of the kids and I just completely broke down. 
I had been feeling down over the weekend -  sometimes our situation is just so overwhelming, and I feel so much for little James and  I feel guilty about it -  knowing of course that him having Epilepsy is not my fault, but it doesn't stop me feeling like this.
Then I go on to how much I think I am neglecting the other two, where I am going wrong, what a terrible mother I am etc etc.
So on top of all of this, the tremble - which really sent me over the edge.
 
Thankfully my mum came round with my Dad, I had calmed a bit by this point.  I tried to put horrible morbid thoughts from my head, but they just kept coming back.  Kept asking why why why has my lovely little innocent little boy got this.  Despite the fact that he is OK, and I know so well of the worse situations that other families are in and are suffering.  But it didn't stop me feeling sorry for James, myself and my family.

In the end I went to bed early with James and cried myself to sleep.  Worried sick about his trembling and worried that it could get worse.

I also lay there and wondered if there were  millions of other mothers  across the world, crying and praying for their children to be OK, and was cross about it, this isn't fair, why do the children have to suffer.

Well, actually, at the moment, and hopefully never, James isn't suffering, as my daughter so wisely pointed out to me earlier in the day.

But anyway, today I woke with a heavy heart, but got on with the morning as we had our LEA visit, will post about this later.  Went well though.

Took James to see our GP - trembling is a side effect of his meds, only a minor one, and nothing to worry about (will still be ringing his specialist next week -on hols this week - to just double check this).
He also said that at his age, he is starting to use all of his strength and muscles and that the trembling could well have been to do with the gate incident, he seems to think this is more likely than the side effect of the meds. Either way, it is OK, James was weighed, all OK, in line with his meds dosage.  Said that James looks well and very lively.

So  was very relieved to  hear all of this, and have realised that with James condition it will always be like this, and that I have to adjust, and try harder to be stronger, for the sake of my family. 

Mike has said that I am not doing badly,it has now been seven months since his diagnosis, and I have to say I think I have been coping quite well. But every now and then, it really hits me hard.

 From this I have learnt I really have to try and take it one day at a time.

Blessings and good health to you and your families.
Lou x