It was Mikes day off today anyway, which was handy as he whisked me off to Paris for a Romantic Dinner for two...........not.
Although it is nice to do something romantic on this day, it ain't always possible when you have a family, so it is nice to celebrate the day and do nice things together(although I did wear my special red underwear to mark the occasion ;-)
Moving on.
As explained on previous post, we planned on a visit to the Cinema, something we haven't done for a while, and even though we have two children in school, we still prefer to stay away from all the Children's attractions during half term, still getting used to having to visit places when there are tons of other kids around, so we felt the Cinema was probably the least chaotic place.
Anyway, we went to see Tin Tin The Secret of the Unicorn which was very good, and only cost £4.50 for all five of us to get in, special half term offer. Then as we had vouchers on the back of a receipt we went to Kentucky, a favourite for the kids.
Home in the afternoon, tidy up time for a viewing, which went well, but never really can tell whether viewers are interested or not.
In the evening we had James's new favourite dish, Chinese, followed by chocolates that Mike had bought me in a heart shaped box.
We decided not to get a present for each other though, but the chocs were eaten by all of us. We also made our own cards using materials from James's Art and Craft set. Mike did print me out this certificate too
Lol!
I read this wonderful post over at The Happiest Mom about marriage - thought it was worth sharing:-
Six ways to let go of resentments, move past old hurts, and forgive
1) Look at the big picture.
Yes, it’s crazy-making when your significant other doesn’t clean up after himself, or forgets over and over what time the kids’ school bus comes, or overdraws the checking account, or (insert whatever irresponsible or frustrating thing he does here.)
But I have found that I tend to see the stuff that’s right in front of me, and the things in my sphere of notice tend to be: children, cleanliness of house, work.
Jon’s sphere looks different. He notices things like whether there are batteries in the house and whether I’ve updated the security on my computer and whether or not the car has gas. I might not always notice his contributions because they aren’t in my sphere of priority. But that doesn’t mean his sphere doesn’t matter, too.
Our household responsibilities are not always divided up 50/50, and I think it’s unrealistic to expect they ever will be. Life just isn’t neat and tidy like that. Instead, sometimes I give more, and sometimes he gives more. There are a lot of little ways my husband chooses to make my life easier, without complaint, and a lot of stresses he takes on to make our lives better, whether I notice them or not. Sometimes it’s good to take a minute to notice.
2) Be first to apologise.
“But why should I apologise when he’s the one who…”
Because you’ll feel better after you do. Freer. Nicer. Happier.
Because even if you truly believe he’s wrong-er, chances are good you’re at least a little bit wrong, too.
Because apologies tend to have a thawing effect on those cold little hard-packed snowballs of resentment and anger we carry around.
Because if you apologise there is a very good chance he’ll stop feeling the need to clench up and defend himself and throwing his own icy snowballs.
It’s so hard to apologise, especially when we aren’t sure the other person deserves it. But the way I look at it, the apology isn’t just for them, it’s also for me. I need to recognise and acknowledge the part I played so I can move past it.
Apologising makes us vulnerable, and that’s hard sometimes when we’re clinging tightly to our right-ness and hiding behind our anger. But as Sarah so wisely pointed out, “The single, most important thing that has made the difference in our lives is a willingness to be vulnerable.”
3) Ask yourself if this will matter in two days, ten days, a year, or ten years.
I’m guessing 90% of the time, it won’t even matter in two hours.
4) Let your spouse be who he is today, not who he was last month, last year, or last decade.
I have an issue with one of Dr. Phil’s favourite sayings: “The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.” He may be right in a technical, cynical sense, but constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop doesn’t allow us to give others space to change and grow, and it robs us of the ability to trust. I’m not suggesting we all stick our heads in the sand, look past truly heinous behaviour, or allow abusive patterns to continue, but at some point, if somebody is obviously trying and making changes, (even small, slow ones) we have to make a choice to trust unless faced with information that suggests we shouldn’t.
I believe that when you are really in tune with your instincts, you’ll know, on a gut level, if something major is off. Otherwise, go with the information you have at hand, today, right now. Refusing to allow somebody to change, or refusing to acknowledge that change out of fear, is no way to live or share a life with another human.
5) Choose your perspective.
Nobody can make you feel like a maid unless you choose to.
Your spouse’s failure to do the dishes does not necessarily mean he disrespects you.
It’s fair to notice and point out that the dishes aren’t done, but assigning a motive, or accusing others of casting us in a role we’ve created just breeds resentment.
6) Consider the alternatives.
The real alternatives, not the fantasy ones you’ve created in your head.
So, it’s totally unfair that your spouse keeps skipping out on the laundry. You keep talking, griping, pleading; but still, the piles grow and he doesn’t even seem to notice. What are your basic choices?
- Stop doing the laundry entirely and wait to see what happens
- Get somebody else to do the laundry
- Accept that you will be the one doing the laundry for now
- Divorce him
Which is most likely to make you happy?
If the answer is “Divorce him,” have you really thought about what that would mean? (Single people still have laundry to do…)
If you think it through carefully and the answer is still “divorce him,” I’d suggest the problem is not really the laundry. Or the unmade bed. Or the dozens of other little things we use as scapegoats for what’s really going on. Dig deeper, and head to counselling posthaste.
Again, I want to be clear that there are issues that go way deeper than small resentments. Big stuff like adultery and chronic gambling and huge heartbreaking dishonesty. It’s not my place to tell you whether you should stay married or not, or whether your spouse can change or not.
But I can promise you that keeping small things in perspective and forgiving with a free heart will make you happier. Today. Right now.
Extending grace does not equal allowing ourselves to be treated badly, but it does mean allowing our significant others to be imperfect humans and loving them anyway–with whole hearts, not the grudging, resentful kind. Not just because they deserve it, but because WE deserve it. There is no joy in resentment. So if you can’t do it for him just yet?
Do it for yourself.
This means that I am not going to make a big deal when I see my husband later about the fact that he left me without any milk for the kids cereal this morning. :-) (I know he reads this - love u babe x)
Lou x
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