Happiness Project - June - Research

Happiness Project for June - Spending more quality time with my children.

One of the books  that Gretchen Rubin mentions in her Happiness Project is St Therese Lisieux.  I read her Biography last year, - her philosophy was that; what was important was not doing great works, but doing little things with the power of love.

This is something I have been trying to put into action towards my spending more quality time with my children.


Also I have been reading Parenting is Heart Work by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller.

From the book

"Sometimes family life becomes very familiar, and people stop greeting or acknowledging each other. Hugging your children as part of a greeting or welcoming them to breakfast in the morning makes an important statement about the value of your relationship"

Also Rob Parsons talks about the importance of communication, and making sure we spend time talking and listening to our children in one of the chapters in his book The Sixty Minute Family

He suggests having family meals around the table.  Stephen R Covey talks about this in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

"We all have to eat. The way to the heart, the mind, the soul is often through the stomach. It takes careful thought and determination but its possible to organize meaningful mealtimes - without television, without just gulping things down on the run. Family meals are important even if you have one family meal each week"

So what gets in all the way of this family stuff - is it so I can go out and "do lunch" with my lady friends, have a long luxurious bubble bath, have my hair done, have a manicure, pedicure, Brazilian wax (ouch)?!

No, its just stuff, and lots of it.  Three Kids, a husband, a house, pets, cooking, finances, Home Educating, talking on the phone, facebook, blogging, rubbing hard skin off your feet, sorting out squabbles and on and on.  Which is why it is good to follow the advice of Ms Lisieux  and try and remember the little things.

So with housework being the main thing that eats up all of my time and gets in the way of all the nice stuff, I thought this passage from Richard Carlson in Don't Sweat the Small Stuff was relevant to my cause:-

"One day it dawned on me that taking care of a home is much like painting the Golden Gate Bridge, and thinking of it in these terms has been an enormous relief in my life. 
Like most people, I used to get overwhelmed about the care and  maintenance of our home, If something was in  need of repair or disoriented, it would make me nervous and frustrated.  Looking back , it seems that I was frustrated  most of the time, because it seemed like something was always wrong with our home. It was if I felt that there would come a time when it would somehow  all be done, and I fantasized, when it was finally finished, I'd be able to feel relaxed and satisfied.
Well, several years later the house is still "in process" there are still jobs to be done and in a way its exactly like the Golden Gate Bridge. Its never done - and it never will be.  My guess is that if you look at your home in this way it will be a tremendous source of relief.  In all likelihood, you ll have even great appreciation for the things that do get finished and less frustration over the things that don't"

This is good for me to remember, as I am always finding lots of things to do and getting stressed out because of it.  I like to go out a lot with the children, because while I am out they have my attention and I am not distracted by a dirty wall, or a window that needs cleaning

In the Continuum concept, she said that you need to be able to get on with your jobs for the day and your children should learn to be able to keep themselves occupied (she is not talking about tiny tots here)  If they are toddlers/pre-schoolers then you will have to slow down and involve them in what you are doing, be it baking, cleaning, gardening etc.

Also from my daily emails - The Daily Grove from Enjoy Parenting -

:Having a "bad parenting day"?

Whatever you're stressing about -- your child won't
stop whining... you're way behind on the laundry...
the baby nursed "all" night long... you yelled at the
kids *again*... etc., etc. -- remember there are two
components to every problem:
    1. The actual condition
    2. Your *belief* that it IS a problem
In other words, you don't *have to* perceive the
condition to be wrong or bad.
Would a baby see your mountain of dirty laundry as a
problem? No, because wee ones see the world AS IT IS.
They haven't been trained (yet) to pass judgment on
Reality, so they don't see the problems we see.
Well, if a baby can do it, you can, too! :-)
Today, try letting go of the idea that conditions
"should" be different than they are. Simply accept
them...
"No problem... It is what it is."
But don't confuse acceptance with defeat. You can be
accepting and still desire change. And change happens
*easily* when you're at peace with What Is.

More advice really on not worrying about having a perfect house.lifestyle etc, - its just a case of trying your best and not feeling guilty when you don't get everything done and you don't get everything right.

Lysa Terkeurst, mother of five, mentions this in her book - "Am I Messing Up My Kids" - she thinks its time that mothers relax and  let go of guilt.

But it is difficult.

When I am trying to get everything done,  if, in the middle of something I am trying to complete, whether it is the washing, cleaning the toilet, cooking a meal - whatever,  one of my children start to complain or need something done, bicker, moan etc,  my patience starts to wear thin, and 9 times out of 10 I do not deal with them fairly or in a nice calm gentle way.

Then I go through the whole rigmarole of telling them how I just want to get the washing/cleaning/cooking done, and of course I mention that no-one else is going to do it, and cant she/he/they just occupy themselves for 5 minutes until I get it done.  Well, for one thing it is usually way more than 5 minutes.

Usually most adults will overreact if someone has touched upon a nerve.  So when my children come to me with a problem or a question or a request, I know deep down that I should give them my attention  and so my guilty conscience makes me react in this unkind way.

So, remembering "the little things" would it really be so bad to just put the laundry basket down and stop - how important is my washing pile to my own children.  Easier said then done though.  But I would like to try.

 I do think it is a good idea to get your children involved in helping out around the house, and with anything else that you feel you really have to get done.  Becky and Danny get pocket money and we have juat increased it. We have made it clear that they have to do their chores in order to get their pocket moneyand they also have to do it with a good heart  - ie no huffing, puffing, sneering, tutting, walking round with sagging shoulders like I have asked them to walk on hot coals, rolling eyes or complaining.

But it would be nice if they co-operated with me,rather than me threatening to take away their pocket money.  So am I dealing with it in the right way?

Which brings me on to a book I am currently reading - Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

Children and Choices - "All people ought to have some control in their own lives. In the case of children, of course, there are limits to how much control and what kind; plenty of things have to be decided for them, particularly when they are young.  But that doesn't negate the basic principal.  I believe our default position ought to be  to make kids make decisions about matters that concern them except when there is a compelling reason for us to override that right.  We should be prepared to justify, why, in each case, kids shouldn't be allowed to choose".

So, I will try and think about giving them more control and more choices, maybe along the lines of:

you don't have to do all the chores I ask of you, but you can maybe do only some of them and not get as much pocket money
or
give them a choice of 2 or 3 chores so they can pick what they would like to to do.

I also remember years ago, a fellow home edder, now turned schooly, having a set amount for activities each month for her children to do. She said it was up to her children to decide what it was to be spent on, within reason of course.  Maybe I will do this in relation to what trips they choose to go on each month.

So, enough research , now its time to try and put these things into action, and I will record my experience here during the rest of June.
Just a thought though - In the Continuum Concept, she mentions that it is strange that we just do not get on and mother our children in the best way we know how as human beings, but rely on books to teach us how to do this, usually written by a man.

Hmmmm


Lou x